Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’ll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all
And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl
Say something, I’m giving up on you
I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
Anywhere, I would’ve followed you
Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I will swallow my pride
You’re the one that I love
And I’m saying goodbye
Say something, I’m giving up on you
And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you
And anywhere, I would have followed you
Oh, oh, oh, oh say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something, I’m giving up on you
Say something

-A Great Big World

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so called problems
Better put ’em in quotations
Say what you need to say
Walkin’ like a one man army
Fightin’ with the shadows in your head
Livin’ up the same old moment
Knowin’ you’d be better off instead
If you could only
Say what you need to say
Have no fear for givin’ in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much,
than never to say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closin’
Do it with a heart wide open (Wide heart)
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to, say what you need to
Say what you need to say

-John Mayer

A prayer upon request.

I think I’m going to stop declaring if or when I’m going to write again. Sometimes I feel the inspiration to write every single day and sometimes I don’t… and sometimes my schedule allows me to take a lunch or have a few moment in the evening to write and sometimes it doesn’t. And sometimes something crazy happens and I have write… just like today… I actually have a few minutes and I have a lot to dump from my brain.

Not even a few hours into my day today, and I get an email from our producer, and something else has happened (in G-d’s hands/beyond our control). It’s like, this has been the most dramatically insane “behind the scenes” show in the 4 SOAs I’ve ever worked… and it’s not even the second week yet. #HolyStoriesBatman. And here I created the most simplest show with the least amount of everything and the most laid back to be the most smoothest…All these tests, G-d; I’m going to be passing them with flying colors! To note though: after every single issue our producer or I have shared taking care of the issues right away, including today’s, so that it would be over before it started. If that makes sense. So thankful for that.

Having said that, serious question: is there an actual prayer to say before opening of a show? Like, we theatre people say to one another: break a leg (NOT good luck because that actually means bad luck.. so you never want to say that..) I need to say something, and I want to say it in Hebrew. Anyone Jewish reading this? Help! If not, I’m going to have to create one…. the Jewish show girl’s guide to prayer! Or something like that.

Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu, melekh ha`olam… please let the remainder of this show go smoothly, not giving us too many more problems (that we/I obviously cannot handle), and for us to just have fun and bond as a group for this final week. Keep the rest of us safe and allow us to break legs (in the theatre sense). Amen, Ahava.

On another note: I was conned into doing another story of creating the ending of everyone’s characters like I’ve done in the past two years. I’m not quite done, but I’ll give to the cast Saturday. There’s so many characters this year, like 30-40, and coming up with an ending and twist of a story….was actually more simpler than I thought it would be. But nonetheless, everyone’s like “TRADITION” you can’t let us down now! They enjoy reading what I come up with, especially those who have already been exposed to it.

I have another story inside me inspired by reading parts of the last two prints of The LC Magazine. Nuns who leave the convent and come out in the meantime. There are things about that sentence that just leave me highly inspired, and so I think I’m going to write a play or something with my twisted Jewish mind. (That could be used in a Burlesque act!)

A secret love, a secret desire
buried, by prayer, by the whisper
by the quiet… her love is quiet..
their love for one another is quiet..
they lust–year after year–
when’s something going to happen?
fate hasn’t scheduled it yet,
though fulfilling destiny is the goal here.
G-d is waiting on one of them
to reach their inner soul
to look deeper, to ask what she really wants,
when the other one is looking to run
because she feels she’s running out of time.

Love Always,
Karen Maeby (Ahava)

Holy Schnitzel, I do not know what happened with my blog posts disappearing, but I have now turned off all automatic updates and hopefully it doesn’t happen again. It’s also taught me that I should probably back up all my writing, because I do not have any of these poems, memories or updates stored anywhere else. And apparently, no one could even leave comments on here? So now you can do that too. Looks like backing up my blog and updating all outdated pages are in the works for August. I wouldn’t have even noticed if I didn’t log in today, I wasn’t planning on writing until next week because the SOAs first week wore me out and I am literally hiding out (among the peace and quiet) until tomorrow when we start back up again for our final week.

On another note, I can definitely tell how I feel when I don’t practice my normal habits on Shabbat. Not as good as when I do when I get matzo ball soup & catching up with family and going to Shabbat services or at least watching Central Synagogue’s feed online in the evening. Or reading something Jewish and practicing peace and light. Oy.

As neurotic as I am, I’ve already started a list on: what I can do better as a stage manager for next time, a list on what all to bring with us when we move to the CH, and trying to figure out some sort of Shabbat honoring system for when I have to work shows (or work/work) but leave aside a few moments for my favorite day and what it means as a Jewish convert. That ones a little rough when I am carrying the crazy amount of responsibility that I’m doing this time around.

I haven’t been on social media for a few days and don’t plan on it until my shows over, but I had seen that Meze119 closed. I was running errands for work downtown and ended up in front of it, and I thought to myself, “That looks closed. I hope it’s not closed.” and sure enough, I am friends with our outgoing synagogue prez on FB (he was the owner), and I see he posted something about it. At least the two days I spent there was with my Rabbi and class, then celebration after our conversion. Even though I loved their food and will always be grateful for the two days spent there–at least I still have my third home.

I am getting emails out the wazoo about “20 Emmy Nominations for The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” — YAY! Way to go Amy Sherman-Palladino!!!! I have loved her writing style ever since Gilmore Girls, and so glad to see she came back with something so fabulous for us Jewish girls. It’s what the world needed.

Speaking of awards, I am nominated once again (3rd year in the row) as favorite backstage person. We’ll have our sort of small and private awards ceremony in August for only our theatre, then the major awards in October with all theatres (that’s the one I’m nominated for). I am just really hoping that drunk guy is not there this time to mess up everyone’s names. Such unprofessional behavior.

Anyway, I made it through the first week of completely stage managing a show by myself. One that I have to wrangle close to 40 people…with 40 different personalities…and you know what happens when you get more than 2 people in a room, especially one as tiny as the green room we have backstage. Oy vey. I have so many stories to share on every different level–everything from absolutely hilarious to everything else you can imagine.

But the good news is: I’m having so much fun.
Also good news: I’m having to work really, really hard.

The bad news is: I am really missing the light in my soul right now.

I will say this though: becoming Jewish has definitely given me a wholeness, fulfillment and the strength (and a different perspective of thought) to move past the things that have happened that would’ve taken me down and torn me to pieces in the past. I am glad that I had been given the opportunity to do this on my own at the time it happened. There are so many things I am seeing clearer, and I’m just so thankful for every moment, opportunity, the feelings, and everything.

Anyway, I wasn’t supposed to write this week, because of trying to relax but at least my blog is back up and I didn’t lose anything. Thankfully.

Until next time,
(I know we’re a few days away, but Happy Shabbat, I won’t be writing.)

Love Always,
Karen Maeby (Ahava)

Another Friday Post

I write so much that I lose track of everything, but I have to make a note of this here… definitely during the month of July–the last several years–I have gone through and wrote about the whole “light to dark in soul” concept. Am I seriously a person of pattern, or is there a deeper reasoning of feeling this way? If so (on the person of pattern), I am learning that just now… add that to my “what I have learned this week” in the previous entry.

7/24/2016 ©  Karen Maeby (Ahava)

Someone turned the light on in her soul–
for the while, it’s been so dark.
She’s getting used to the flame,
instead of the flicker.

Coincidences lead to laughs
and they stop to wonder
had the stars aligned
just in time, to pull them together?

They lean in for a kiss,
and another and another…
until time becomes lost,
as it stands still.

“Be still, my heart” —
He says and she says.
Silently–in agreement–
as they don’t want to ever say goodnight.

*

The above piece was actually written in a Facebook post that just happened to be a memory that posted up last year and I screenshot it. I have no idea if it’s actually saved somewhere else or not. I have so many pieces like that. It’s terrible.

*

Anddddd… last year in very early August 2018, I drew a picture with flowers in a vase and hearts streamed across a music staff with this poetry:

LOVE SOMEONE
that brings the light to your dark,
and the smiles through the rain…
and the colors to your black and white…

LOVE SOMEONE
that makes your soul sing
so much that you can feel it
down to the core of your heart.

LOVE SOMEONE
that makes you want to be a poet,
even if you aren’t.
LOVE SOMEONE
that challenges you every day
to be a better person overall.
FIND SOMEONE
that makes “HOME”
within their arms, and not a place.

*

*very big sigh*

Always, Karen Maeby (Ahava)

[Shabbat Edition 015]

HAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPY FRIDAY!
Shabbat Shalom, my loves!

This week has certainly been interesting…

A small synopsis

My moods and thoughts have been of nothing but poetic sense with a touch of music and set like a play in my mind. My brain has also done this *BOUNCE BOUNCE bounce BOUnce bouNCE* all over the freaking place. Maybe it’s because of the season of Summer One Acts. I’ll blame that.

As we all know, any time I’m doing a show, my life is literally all about that show, or any feelings inspired by the show.

Thursday (last night) we opened and it was successful for our first show. Still having issues in two areas for moving of furniture just because there’s so much going off/on, but I’m working towards (hopefully) perfecting it tomorrow.

While backstage waiting for one of the plays to be over to do my work, I wrote a completely new one act play, which has one heck of a twist and half! I’m very happy about this play. I also started working on an opera for which I think my last few posts may tie into that. Sometimes I write things knowing it’s for something, and sometimes I write backwards then realizing I can use that work. If that makes sense. And…. I wrote notes for a TV show that I started writing in 2017–due to something funny happening recently–and I realized I should probably work on that. So much writing, so much having to keep a thousand characters different and storylines different and oyvey…. I hope this pays off one day. My brain will literally explode if I don’t get it all out.

Also today: as it grows closer to my birthday, I’m having severe panic attacks. Every year, as I get older, it’s like…. these same questions… what have I actually done with my life? Have I made something out of myself? I often feel too much like I haven’t done anything. I said this today to someone and he was basically like, “Are you crazy? You’ve done so much, especially in the last few years.” I guess when you’re the one seeing you and what you’re doing in life, it’s much different than how everyone else views you. All I know is that things have to change come August. I’m feeling another midlife crisis coming on. Like, real bad this time.

Lessons Learned

Learned about the month of July antics and then the whole light/darkness theory in Jewish Mysticism.

I am learning what I can control and what I cannot, and maybe what I should or could’ve done better. (Stage managing)

I am also learning that–even though our actual theatre home is almost across/down the street–I should probably have a long list of everything we need to take with us so we’re not having to run back there (due to me). There weren’t many cases of that, because I didn’t forget very important things, but I forgot a few. This is my first time arranging the whole thing and stage managing almost completely by myself, but I’m still very critical of me. A little OCD, perfectionist and critical mixed with some sort of crazy…. makes for interesting when I do something wrong.

I really need to learn how to properly dress a table for elegant dining. It would be so helpful to have this knowledge in order to make the table look right. I also want to touch costuming one day, but not any time soon. I’m already doing too much as it is (for now).

Events / Special Moments

Preparing for the Summer One Acts. I can’t believe it’ll be over in two weeks, it’s going to go very fast. I know already, this is my 4th year.

I put up a party list in the green room and so far this first week: we’ve got plans tonight for drinks at our usual spot, early dinner on Saturday in between our two shows (our tradition) and then Sunday afterwards having dinner with someone who used to be with us and is coming back to see the show. This time, I’m going to have to get photos of everyone. I am always so caught up in the moment that I forget to take pictures.

What am I looking forward to this week?

Getting the show on the road.

Having M, T, W of next week off… but I think I made some commitments so I’m not officially off the hook.

Love Always,
Karen Maeby (Ahava)

she sings soprano
but her voice is only alto
hitting those notes, so high tho
so many songs inside her mind
a pen that is always busy
a notebook that is always full
a soul bursting with song
and love and love

what could ever go wrong?

(updated)

part I

at night the candle dances
creating a song, expelling from her soul
and sent into her lover’s dreams

like a letter in the mail, sealed with a kiss.
she lies there awake
waiting for the moment for her destiny
to wake up… to hear her voice (again)
the one that sounds like an angel
and the arms that hold her so tightly
into the Universe, producing
a thousand melodies on a bed of roses.
their unconditional love is that beautiful.
will her lover hear her call? will she respond?
she prays to G-d with everything she’s got
that through the darkness of the night,
her lover will respond to the light.

part II

there was a moment she had her
cradled in her arms
lightly kissing her–saying it’s going to be okay–
to be brave, as she washes all of her fears away.
their eyes meet upon a darkened stage
and when the lights turn on
you can hear Phantom of the Opera’s
“All I Ask of You” playing to the tune of their hearts:

Let me be your shelter,
let me be your light;
you’re safe, no one will find you,
your fears are far behind you.

All I want is freedom,
a world with no more night;
and you, always beside me,
to hold me and to hide me.

Then say you’ll share with me one love, one lifetime;
let me lead you from your solitude.
Say you need me with you, here beside you,
anywhere you go, let me go too,
Christine, that’s all I ask of you

Say you’ll share with me one love, one lifetime;
say the word and I will follow you.

Part III

That lovely soulful song is played on the grand piano
and a rose is laid on top of the sheet music…
She plays it by heart, memorized, for the rest of her life
she closes her eyes
and she can’t get her lover’s eyes out of her mind.
Every night she goes to bed
and dreams, and dreams, and dreams–and asks–
will the other half of her soul hear her
through the dreams…that bring the light through the dark
?
She’s still waiting for a reply, a letter back, a remark…
She is hopeful inside and out–her heart and soul–
that she’ll hear something before the dancing candle
deep within the soul blows out and into the wind.
And, she closes her eyes… and prays to G-d..
will she get an answer? Will she ever get the call?

2019 © Karen Maeby (Ahava)
creds to Phantom of the Opera for “All I Ask of You” lyrics

Jewish Mysticism Continued

[Lunch break.]

Just when I thought things couldn’t get crazier, they do. I have discovered Kabbalah.com, and thus begins my journey into a whole other world….

Remember a long, long, long time ago when I wrote about feeling trapped–felt like a slave to my own life–back in March or April, only to realize that, well, that’s what Passover is all about? Escaping from that… then my feelings towards thinking the new year should start in the fall, and our Jewish new year does?

Well.

Right now, it appears, I’m on that same kind of mood trap along with the Jewish calendar of feelings….. It is apparently the perfect month to go searching deep within the soul for ‘light through the darkness’ — the same abundance of feelings that I’ve felt the last few days, maybe weeks. Uhhhh. Can I have a drink? It’s getting a little too spooky here how things are finally aligning and making sense to me… that I’m one step closer… and I’m regaining conscious of my soul, just like I was deeply connected to back when I was in school, but lost for many years until I started my journey to becoming Jewish. This is absolutely insane.

Posted yesterday on Kabbalah.com, an entry titled “Transforming Darkness into Light(oh, for goodness sakes, when my soul felt it really strongly)–and I quote–

“The portion of Balak is about, on the surface, negativity, but in the greater picture it is about the protection from this negativity and the power to even transform it. It always is sent to us from the Creator during the time of Cancer, when our ruling celestial body is the moon. The moon is a rock that is totally absent of Light; it does not give, only receives. It is in this way we can come to see how our two villainous characters are a lot like the moon. However, the moon is able to shine when a transformation occurs. There is hope for every trace of darkness to turn into Light.”

“The month of Cancer gives us the power of sensitivity and nurturing so that we can make this vital transformation. A transformation that benefits the world, others, but, as always, benefits ourselves the most. For when we bless, we are blessed. It is the very reason we came to this world, to emerge from our cocoons having done our holy work of transforming darkness into Light.”

From an entry titled “Seeing Only The Light” I quote this:

“And what the kabbalists teach is that to be able to see Light where others see darkness, to be able to reveal Light where others experience darkness, is really the entire purpose we are in this world; the entire purpose our soul was put into this physical body was so that we can, throughout life, find those places that are dark, that have concealed Light within them, and reveal them as Light.”

Another one, “Having a Vision of Our Soul’s Purpose” quoted:

“The answer the kabbalists give is not just about that story, but more importantly, about our lives. Every single one of us comes into this world to accomplish certain things, and to influence a certain number of people. Maybe it is just our family, maybe it is our group of friends, or maybe it is even more expanded than that, but each one of us has a job in this world specifically for which our soul came, a task that cannot be accomplished by any other person. How do we come to see the vision of what that task, the purpose of our soul, is? How do we know if we are going in the right direction?”

“One of the ways to really know if something is our purpose is to think about whatever we feel it is, and ask ourselves if it is overwhelming. If it seems like something we do not have all the abilities to do, then we are probably right that it is our purpose. But if we look at it and say, “This is why I am here. Sure, it will take me some time, but I will do it,” then we are not seeing the total vision of the purpose of our soul. It is a vision we truly want to have, and one that we can draw in during this month of Cancer. We want to be able to live every single day of our lives with the knowledge, at least, that we are going in the direction of fulfilling our soul’s purpose in this world, a purpose that is unique only to ourselves. And having a vision of that purpose, if we ask for it, is a gift we can receive in the month of Cancer.”

Thoughts: the crab has been my spirit animal forever (horoscope: cancer), and there must be something very special about July. I want to embrace that, and all the feelings. I feel something happening here. Dear Universe… you know what to do.

Love Always,
Karen Maeby (Ahava)

Jewish Mysticism (the beginning of)

Oy vey. So this weekend has been the absolute weirdest. I think I have physically and emotionally felt every single mood and emotion you can even begin to channel. It also didn’t help having all of this rain because it actually crawls into my bones/muscles and I hurt so badly. And, I must be some sort of stressed because I am wanting to eat everything in sight!!! Anyway, I felt force of the dark side creeping up through my light, for sure, but here’s how I actually took care of business paying attention to the fact that I’m trying to keep changing my life for the better since becoming Jewish…(bear with me until I get there at the end… it’s a process…..)

The weirdness started a couple weeks ago from all of the weird dreams I keep having. Energy was drained on the 4th of July and continued into Friday where I misread a sign that completely threw my day off. That evening, I went to Shabbat service and my soul was cleansed a bit. Then on Saturday—after having moved everything to the CH—I was setting up in the green room. I touched the TV that’s sitting on top of the fridge and got shocked so badly you could actually see a spark. A LARGE, colorful one. Unfortunately, I had yet to unplug the fridge/tv and replug everything into our power strip. As I was doing that, sparks also flew, so I ended up having someone else do that for me. Being shocked left me in a weird mood. I finished my work early, so I went home, and just felt completely drained (again). 

Sunday morning I woke up from having a dream that someone in my family died but then became some other object that suddenly shrinks into something else, almost close to nothingness. Like a horror movie or something. From a show I never, ever watch. Like ever. I just hope this isn’t a sign, because the person I dreamt about barely keeps anyone close and may really be completely alone at this point where people may not find out if something happens….before it gets to that point of, well, that piece of my dream that could be placed into a horror film.  

There’s this new metaphysical shop that opened up near the CH, so I went in there, and picked up some of that energy. I must’ve picked up enough good “light” energy because I’ve been in a mood to accomplish a lot of things and not be sucked into what has drug me to the carpet. Oh, and, one more thing… I lit some candles and one of them backfired and burnt me. I have no Earthly idea what has happened or is happening. … well, up until I read an email from an astrologist/metaphysical shop that I follow in Fort Myers. 

July 7th started the Mercury retrograde and it will last until July 31st. Wonderful. Here’s some notes that came from the email: 

Dont’s
Make important decisions
Sign contracts
Buy a car
Begin a new relationship
Take anything personally at this time

Do’s
Take your time reading paperwork/contracts
Reflect on your past choices
Have back-up plans for travel
Repair your car
Re-color your hair
Review your financial situation
Give yourself and your space a good clearing
Release an unhealthy habit  

What You Can Expect
Miscommunication – people may be misinterpreting what you say and you may misinterpret other people’s words and intentions
Electronics are going haywire – computers, clocks, telephones, etc.
Batteries dying
Angry behavior
Mistakes
Getting lost, tardiness
Increased number of accidents
People from your past may make come back into your life

Yeah, so how fun is that? Welcome to the chaos that is July. But it looks like my plans—after the SOAs are over on the 21st—will be in full alignment with everything under the “Do’s”… I like it when my plans work out. Or, I’m on the right page with the Universe…..Unless: July chaos. 

So…while being on the subject of seriously studying my soul—like I’ve been doing the past couple weeks—I thought about Jewish Mysticism. Out of all those books I ordered, I got The Jewish Mystical Tradition, and I’m starting to flip through the chapters. Not seriously reading because I am trying not to start anything while working a show (new rule for myself), but this is going to be my next “class” even though I’ll be teaching myself, basically. 

I looked online to find that astrology/zodiac actually plays heavy roles in Judaism (Kabbalah). Found out that mazal means planet/star and a more specific word for star is khokhav. “The time, day and date when a person is born has an important influence on his destiny.” I’ve always said that, and the name that you are given defines you. 

I feel like all these weird things that have been happening, and the closer to talking about the soul that I get and feel… maybe I should be heading in the direction of researching Kabbalah… in retrospect of my entire life interest of astrology. You know, I often feel that I was a fortune teller in the 1920s. Every time I dream about it—I see myself in the full outfit—mood rings, stones, candles galore, often dreaming by the glass ball, and so in tune with my intuition and pick up energy every where (if my chakras are cleared). I don’t know, but maybe there’s signs all over the place… and it’s finally time for me to pick up that. What if I become a Jewish fortune teller? Or Jewish Mystical person / philosopher… it goes all along with the writing, creativity and the like. It all goes hand in hand. I think. 

True story: my great-great grandma (I think it is 2-greats) read my grandma’s fortune through coffee grounds. Told her she’d have lots of keys/rooms, and she ended up with a restaurant and an apartment building in the 1950s. So, telling fortunes is in my family, I wish I knew more about this but I don’t.

I think it’d be really helpful to gain enough spirit-intuition to help solve unsolved mysteries. The dead need to be put to rest, they need someone on their side, so does their family who’s still waiting for answers. I think it would be putting that kind of work to good use doing something like that…. and I think it does help that I am almost always right when I’m watching a true crime show on TV and I pick out the murderer right away.

“Mysticism is the quest for the ultimate meaning of life.” 

Ahava is out to change the world. If the many doors—the ones that’s settled—just won’t open, she’ll just make a new door. If an opportunity isn’t there—she’ll make one. Onnnne way or another… or a thousand ways through a thousand different doors and windows and the sky is the limit….

Stay tuned for more… as I channel my very inner-inner soul and all. 

Love Always, 
Karen Maeby (Ahava)  

A monologue of some sorts.

While I have two-ish more weeks of the Summer One Acts, I have put all other projects on hold. I’m trying something new: I’ve literally banned myself from starting projects I know I can’t finish, but I’m writing down ideas and notes, in hopes that when the SOAs are done… this will put me back on track and be successful with some of those projects. I needed to change the way I do things, and it seems to be working right now. 

Anyway, I think this might be a good monologue piece for my story Anna’s Serendipity. 

*

Every once in a while the deep, dark bug of loneliness will strike. Soaking in through the pores of my skin, crawling into my soul’s river of emotions. Even through all the abundance of light from G-d, positivity and all the good things happening… that tiny piece of darkness glares through and surprises me like a wretched paper cut. 

I used to think about them—him, one too many he’s— what’s he’s doing, if this he would ever have time for me or if that he would even want to. But now, all I can think about is She. It’s the same, but on a different level, it’s more about the soul than anything else. It’s more about…beshert. What does the future hold? I’ve only ever had one kind of love in mind, at this point, nothing else matters out of any other relationship except for life lessons to help you grow—especially when your heart has outgrown the many likes, especially when you’ve known your entire life what a soulful love is supposed to be like—what great lengths of pain to know, but never have lived it in this lifetime. It’s there—within reach—on the tip of ones tongue—as it gets further and further away. Like a mind trick. 

All of this love to give and my mind is putting me at a stop—a capacity—there’s no where for it to go but to overflow into the beautiful glittering ocean all the way to the muddiest of Seas. It’s inside me—the story—waiting to be turned into some poem, a song, perhaps dialogue in a play. I have no idea. It’s just there. And there’s lots of it. 

A part of me wants to stay awake so that I can unease that feeling by being productive and putting the sadness towards one of my projects that’s been standing still for many years… but the other half of me wants to just go to sleep, to put the feelings to rest, so that my heart doesn’t have to feel this way while I’m awake—or, at least for the moment, if the moment of darkness doesn’t last forever—when the curtain closes and the lights are out, if so be it, I find my soul’s true love and hold her tight: it is then when I will find the light through the darkness again. And again. And again. 

Always, Ahava ❤️

[Shabbat Edition 014]

SHABBAT SHALOM!

What a week it’s been. Nothing compared to the 3 weeks that I worked Next Fall where I literally had zero time to breathe or do anything, but still, pretty darn busy with the same tight schedule between work and rehearsals.

Random story from yesterday (4th of July): So–like the rest of this week–I’ve been having some really weird dreams in the morning..but this time, I wake up, and with a song in my head. The song? Sweet but Psycho by Ava Max. I really do not know what made me tune into that for waking up… but uhhhh. So there’s that. It’s definitely catchy…if anything.

4th of July: You know, from Legally Blonde 2, Jennifer Coolidge’s character says: “Oh my G-d! You look like the 4th of July! Makes me want a hotdog real bad.” That was literally the second quote in my head yesterday, so I went and got a hotdog. Had to.

I am beginning to worry about why I have all these things to pop in and out of my head! The mind of a writer, I swear, we’re all cray cray.

A small synopsis

Last Saturday, I got a lot done personally, and at the theatre. I was with a friend and I said I wanted ice-cream, but instead, we went to the bar my theatre family frequents after late night shows… but this was in the middle of the day…. I still wanted ice-cream. Alas, the margarita was good and so was the ice chips… and they had ten thousand desserts there too… cheese cake, berry salad, something else.. reminds me that I need to get some more cinnamon whiskey for my new “one shot a night before bed” routine. Maybe I can bring some for SOAs backstage after each show is over. New tradition?

Sunday I got a chance to walk in the evening. Monday through Wednesday we had really long rehearsals. I was really scared about these rehearsals, I was anticipating issues from seeing them the week before, but both Monday (the first day of all 10 plays in order) went very well as far as the first day goes. Second day: I gave everyone their stage assignments and they did well with helping for not having the last prior. Wednesday: everyone helped and it went smoothly. I was amazed. Someone that is now helping me was impressed at my notes (perfected to the tee) for each play, how it’s going to be organized at the CH and the exact location of where everything goes…it’s like, you can’t look at those notes and tell me that I don’t belong married to the SOAs or any one-act play festival. I want to do that for the rest of my life. Anyway, Wednesday after each play got their chance to rehearse–I packed up their props and furniture, one by one, and then drug everything to the middle of the floor so that I wouldn’t have to come back on my days off to do anything. This Saturday we are at the theatre at 9am to pack the truck to move to the CH, then starts lights/spike day Sunday, and the next two weeks non stop.

Lessons Learned

Taking time off is really important. (I’m getting super selfish about this.)

The feeling I had when I read my first really horrible anti-semite thing on Twitter (first, meaning, after becoming a Jew)…an actor–who had millions of followers and was validated with the blue checkmark by Twitter– wrote “now lets kill some Jews” … I, like a lot of others, hit “report abuse” and finally many hours later, he was kicked off of there. That was so scary.

Love: Sue Bird & Megan Rapinoe are GOALS! —- Everyone’s posting about them, so am I. Beautiful couple, everyone deserves that.

Saw this on Twitter too, right after Sue Bird & Megan Rapinoe goals: “I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you deserve a partner who cheerleads your work, who champions your goals, who relentlessly talks up your talent and your kindness and your skills.” >> Yes, please.

Events / Special Moments

Got to have lunch with a friend to meet that friend’s friend which may be a great connection in the future.

4th of July… even though this holiday has really lost its luster. Even though I haven’t really been able to enjoy fireworks most of my life (I believe you gotta have the right soul beside you to really appreciate fireworks) but this year is kind of even worse when I read about what was being prepped for the nation’s parade (ugh, a little scary there) and what’s happening with the whole ‘never again – the USA may have concentration camps.’ You see, I’m trying my best not to write about that because a lot of things I’ve written (even if it’s just randomly made up fiction) has come true… and I had a dream in 2010–back when I lived in NC–about a Holocaust here. I was definitely in line because I was everything they didn’t want living here. I don’t remember anything else and I don’t really want to go back and find where I wrote that down. I used to live in a place full of fear mongers and negativity where “end of the world” was a constant thing. It was hard to adjust to the “real world” after getting away from it, but I used to fear for that–for my life–because of never having experienced life. But mostly, because I had never found the love I knew I wanted and deserved to have. While I’m still working on the latter, the former–I’ve had the best year and half I’ve ever had in my life… and now that I’m back home with a Jewish soul, if I die tomorrow, I am hopeful to know I will be going back with the souls who are close to mine… on another planet, to rest, and to either come back in another life time or leave permanently. I honestly think my soul is done. I feel like I’ve been here in 1700s during the Mozart days, in the 1920s, somewhere in between the 1950s-70s and then I’m here now…. so I ultimately feel like my soul is a 120 years old, and it’s getting to that point where it needs a more permanent rest. But other than… wanting to channel in Abraham Lincoln and humming the Hamilton songs in my head… that was my 4th. Being super concerned about what’s happening as the past is creeping up in our future covering up every single move ahead we get. Oy vey.

What am I looking forward to this week?

Going to Shabbat, since it’ll be the last for a few weeks…

THEN, THE SUMMER ONE ACTS, OF COURSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been waiting all year for this to happen, and finally, we’re just days away from our performances!

Love Always,
Karen Maeby (Ahava)