It’s officially two months in (and 4 days if you really want to get technical) of me being Jewish. Or should I say–since my conversion–because it seems I’ve had a Jewish soul all along, it was just time for me to discover and do something about it. Either way, it’s time for a check-in and update on my feelings, and what’s changed. I know I still haven’t shared my full-full-full story, nor have I really shared what I felt while in the water. Still thinking about keeping that mostly private. But anyway, thoughts:
-The light is deeply rooted within me. Any negative thoughts (minus being slightly impatient while hangry, just a bit road-ragey while behind slow people on the road and very super grumpy while it’s raining because on a scale of 1-10 my body hurts over 500%) have practically been non-existent. I’ve been thinking and being 95% more positive than I’ve ever been. When I feel as if I would be dropping that, or even feeling sad, I’m like nope, I’ve been given this chance to become Jewish and I need to keep to the light and I turn it back around. Thankfully…that is what I do.
-My desire to learn has become even stronger. As you’ve read, I’m keeping up with new classes and attending new Jewish events. I am also reading/learning on my own.
-I’ve been letting go of anything negative in my life or things that I feel is a waste of time or something I don’t like doing. I’m changing my outlook. I’m cleaning, sorting, doing anything I can to make sure I keep positive and happy around me.
-I’m a little bit (or a whole lot) braver with trying and doing new things.
-The biggest issue I’m having right now is I’m struggling with finding a pattern of attending Shabbat and keeping to my tradition on Fridays. It’s because I never know what my schedule will look like due to what happens in the day or what I’ve got going on during the week that really messes with those plans. A lot of my plans are very, very, very sporadic or very last minute….and Fridays are usually the days that suffer. I am currently truly 100% trying to work on either writing it in that I take a half day or completely take it off and make up for it on Sunday. But if I’m working a show, that won’t work so much, so….I’m not sure what the solution will be. And now with the event planning part it’s going to be even harder.
-I’m becoming more and more myself every day. Finding Judaism has allowed me to find myself. And, when I converted, I literally really did become whole. I don’t feel like a chunk of me is missing. Now I just want to meet my beshert….but I’m assuming that won’t happen until I am fully aware of who I am. I still have karmic duties to work out and lessons to learn. That would be the perfect timing. And, by golly, it better be Tu B’Av.
-I’m still a mess but G-d loves me anyway. (I think that’s why he lets me look good in glitter, to make up for that mess part. Ha ha ha.)
-I’m STILL finding out things from my past that makes sense now, such as certain times of the year make me feel certain things. (Most recent was finding out my birthday was such a disastrous time to our people, and having felt guilty all this time for celebrating, it comes full circle.)
-I’m sincerely more in love with life than I’ve ever been, like, ever.
-I celebrate a whole lot more, even the small things.
So, JEWBELONG sent out a newsletter today with a personal roadmap for Rosh Hashanah. (Speaking of which, I need to find my goals from last year and see what I’ve actually accomplished.) I might just answer a few things here…. lucky number 3. I’ll answer 3 of their questions, then do the full thing at the new year.
We are looking at from Sept 9 of 2018 – until Rosh Hashanah at the end of Sept.
- What are my 3 most significant achievements in the past year? (1) CONVERTING! (2) putting on my own show in Nov 2018 (and doing everything that I did, including acting for the very first time) (3) stage managing the SOAs by myself
- What are my biggest mistakes in the past year? Letting winter depression get me so down which led me to everything happening in January. Potentially very much disappointing and unintentionally hurting a friend that I (still) deeply care about, and wrecking said friendship that meant so much to me. Wasting time. Not celebrating more. Not relaxing more. Not taking a vacation earlier until it was at the tipping point of snapping. Not taking care of me at the beginning of 2019. Not taking Eisenhower’s original shell out of his aquarium when he was in a bigger one, because it could have potentially saved his life and he might’ve lived to celebrate this year’s birthday with me.
- What is the most important decision I need to make this year? Vegas.
Karen Maeby (Ahava)