A monologue of some sorts.

While I have two-ish more weeks of the Summer One Acts, I have put all other projects on hold. I’m trying something new: I’ve literally banned myself from starting projects I know I can’t finish, but I’m writing down ideas and notes, in hopes that when the SOAs are done… this will put me back on track and be successful with some of those projects. I needed to change the way I do things, and it seems to be working right now. 

Anyway, I think this might be a good monologue piece for my story Anna’s Serendipity. 

*

Every once in a while the deep, dark bug of loneliness will strike. Soaking in through the pores of my skin, crawling into my soul’s river of emotions. Even through all the abundance of light from G-d, positivity and all the good things happening… that tiny piece of darkness glares through and surprises me like a wretched paper cut. 

I used to think about them—him, one too many he’s— what’s he’s doing, if this he would ever have time for me or if that he would even want to. But now, all I can think about is She. It’s the same, but on a different level, it’s more about the soul than anything else. It’s more about…beshert. What does the future hold? I’ve only ever had one kind of love in mind, at this point, nothing else matters out of any other relationship except for life lessons to help you grow—especially when your heart has outgrown the many likes, especially when you’ve known your entire life what a soulful love is supposed to be like—what great lengths of pain to know, but never have lived it in this lifetime. It’s there—within reach—on the tip of ones tongue—as it gets further and further away. Like a mind trick. 

All of this love to give and my mind is putting me at a stop—a capacity—there’s no where for it to go but to overflow into the beautiful glittering ocean all the way to the muddiest of Seas. It’s inside me—the story—waiting to be turned into some poem, a song, perhaps dialogue in a play. I have no idea. It’s just there. And there’s lots of it. 

A part of me wants to stay awake so that I can unease that feeling by being productive and putting the sadness towards one of my projects that’s been standing still for many years… but the other half of me wants to just go to sleep, to put the feelings to rest, so that my heart doesn’t have to feel this way while I’m awake—or, at least for the moment, if the moment of darkness doesn’t last forever—when the curtain closes and the lights are out, if so be it, I find my soul’s true love and hold her tight: it is then when I will find the light through the darkness again. And again. And again. 

Always, Ahava ❤️

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