Thoughts & Things: Some Jewish & Some Not

This is going to be a very random bloggy post considering my brain is so full I need to dump it somewhere and I haven’t really been able to write in ages.

First things first: I need some jazz in my life. Like, pronto. Like, live jazz… like jazz that can be processed in through my ears/mind and immediately take over the core of my body all the way down that I can feel it deep within my soul… I need that. Story: When I was working Next Fall, they were playing all kinds of music backstage, and I asked them to play jazz (they chose blues, really), and the first song that came on was the song that belongs to Momma (h/s teacher friend) and I — Frank Sinatra’s My Way. That’s our song. How fitting it came on first. Of course, I had to text her and tell her. But anyway, wish I could find more Jewish Jazz. I know about Paul Shapiro – I love his “To Life” song and I’ve posted about it before. It’s just not enough.

My life is solely revolving around the Summer One Acts right now. I only have a few final things to tend to for finalization of props, then I get to work on moving props/furniture and sit on book for the remainder of rehearsals….Once I know we’re settled on show order, then I need to assign jobs for the CH. A few more weeks, then it’s over. Must remember to stay in the moment and enjoy all of the new people I have met. Next week we have 3 rehearsals at our home, then we move that weekend, do two weekend performances (7/11 – 7/21), then the whole theater will take a break until September (with the exception of our private awards ceremony sometime in August). Needless to say, I’m looking forward to a break after shoving so much into the past couple of weeks.

I have so much to celebrate (mostly my new life / conversion), and I haven’t been able to do it yet…I purposely put it off because I didn’t want to get too involved/distracted in celebrating when I still have lots of work to do. I have to balance myself and stay humble. I was thinking about birthday plans how I might start celebrating Christmas in July Eve / Day (July 24) – maybe a private thing in remembrance of another father-figure of mine from the boating industry–Joe–who died a few years ago on Christmas in July (and I have a story/poem that came out of literally feeling his death at the moment it happened)... and continuing a celebration until the weekend after my birthday (8/1). I have to celebrate: my conversion, all the new things already, the plays, 3 years with GCP (4th SOA), a toast to the future, and so much more… !!! I have a few places picked out of where I’d like go meet up with friends: definitely a repeat of the same 3 things I did last year, go to John’s Pass, sunsets every night, get my ears pierced twice or nose repierced, kiss an alligator again (and possibly adopt one), adopt more hermit crabs, bar meetup, get a Cafe con Leche (since I haven’t had my favorite coffee in over a year), attend Shabbat, do more than one thing Jewish (OY!), catch up with friends I haven’t seen or spoken to in a while, do a few good deeds, live out my favorite Katy song (#iwish), and I would really like to go and see a Burlesque show (don’t judge).

I sat down last night to write a little on my conversion story. I’m wanting to write an overall summary of the bits & pieces up until then, something I can turn into the Jewish paper here….but I am having a hard time sitting down and doing it though… just thinking about how all of the signs were clearly there the whole time, then I get really emotional, distracted on having to tame those feelings, and then it’s already time for bed. I need to do this while it’s still fresh. I would really like to share my story. It’s also hard to write an outline when it’s going to be an entire novel. That’s next.

After getting on Facebook and seeing all of the Pride pictures from friends, I’m actually really sad about not having attended. That heat, though. It’s really affecting me worse this year than it ever has.. heat used to be my friend. I know there’s a “Come Out” St Pete Pride in October along with a film festival in Tampa, so I will be very ready to do that.

Another funny thing that happened… I went on a whim and got my hair cut on 6/24. I woke up like, “I hate my hair. I need a change. I’m so very bored. Let’s just go cut everything off.” (Cool side note: found out (accidentally) that my hairdresser is Jewish. He asked, “You plan on coloring your hair tonight, right?” UGH NO. You mean I have to color it again? I just did it weeks ago! 3 boxes of bleach! I told him before I colored it, I was trying to grow out the natural color for my conversion but didn’t work out that way. That’s when he mentioned he’s Jewish, and he asked me what made me convert.etc.) Anyway, so yesterday I hop on Facebook memories for a minute, and I see that on 6/25/18 one of our directors for the SOAs last year had cancelled the last rehearsal… and I went to get my hair chopped off. Seriously self? I had to laugh. I don’t do things in patterns. I try NOT to! I do things on whims, on random. BUT ALMOST THE SAME EXACT DAY A YEAR LATER I JUST WOKE UP LIKE I HATE MY HAIR, NEED TO CHOP IT OFF? I had no idea, I don’t keep up with things like that! I just find it crazy. I’m supposed to do things randomly, not in sync! OY VEY. Maybe I need to write a song about this. Seems crazy.

I tried nova for the first time yesterday… and on nachos for Taco Tuesday. It’s my new favorite thing. I can’t believe I broke tradition after 1.5 years. What happened?

I’ve been thinking more and more about my goals and I have a few I really want to accomplish before the end of the year. Of course, I have some private goals of stuff I need to take care of that I won’t be mentioning here, but here’s some other plans…

-Working on my Jewish art + turning profit. I want to be able to test out the market, so that I could maybe set up a tent at the Jewish food festival next year.
-Publish short version of conversion story to Jewish magazines.
-Finish the full novel about my journey thus far to conversion and publish it.
-Have next year’s schedule planned out. If I’m following the Jewish New Year, then that won’t be so bad….but I’m committing to so many things, I need to know ahead of time when to say no to new projects.
-I’ve been discussing some ideas with close friends on a “Jewish-based group” that I started making plans for in December, but it wasn’t the the perfect opportunity to do it at that point. I feel like now (very soon) is the time, or maybe starting in late summer, so now I need to go back to the old proposal and revamp it.
-Figure out what’s going on with my other group.
-Fix my websites.
-Update everything that needs updated. (Which is so very much.)
-Start my own biz again to make extra money.
-Start making a difference.
-& so maaaaannnnnnny moreeeeee!

I’m not quite sure what’s happening
but the tides are changing
and the wind has captured the sail
pushing it in a different direction.
What is in a name, Ahava?
Love, unconditional love?
Did I fall in line with my journey
to find and embrace my beshert?

I’m not sure that I want to question it.
Some things are better left unsaid.
Actions speak louder than words,
but what I would give for an embrace, a hug.
Gleaming with happiness last Shabbat
I wore my Pride kippah for the first time
Proud to be Jewish, and one day, a coming out.
I lead a colorful & glittery life.

I am Proud of everything
I am becoming in the name of Ahava.
I found the light, and now: the love
in the ultimate wholeness of life.

Love Always,
Karen Maeby (Ahava)

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