i wish i could find her face in the snow
wipe the surface like a steamed mirror
call upon the midnight prayer to make her answer
the telephone that coincidentally
never shows her name or number
she’s listed under unknown. i wish i could find her.
maybe i can travel to the next city
and hire a gypsy lady with the glass ball
and she can tell me my future, my fortune
will i be lucky enough to steal her heart and soul?
i was born to two nearly in the wilderness
that couldn’t be the furthest from my life itself.
i can’t breathe thinking, wishing, for the jewish creation
that i so desire, that want so badly.
my heart cries a song into the river that
pours downstream, and into someone else’s home.
this isn’t home, not mine, no:
my heart isn’t filled with anything.
my heart is empty as a kiddush cup but
i fill it right back up with tears, and it flows over.
i study deep into each jewish book that i read:
the characters, the message
and i wish to find it all, to embrace it all, to have it
but looking for it and creating it is the challenge.
to change my entire life, to uproot everything,
it is the only way. my jewish journey way.
i close my eyes wishing she’d be the one to hug me
into infinity like my favorite blanket, or sweater.
could she be a little or all of the characters i read about?
esther, ruth, lilith, vashti, sarah, rebecca, etc. etc. etc. ?
i do not know her name, or recall it.
i see her soul, feel her emotions, too
as they run wild into the forest of a day’s life
if i found her–i would instantly make her my wife.
where’s my destiny? should i light the shabbat candles,
and fulfill my evening’s wishes of watching the sunset?
with my eyes closed, i see a table of food and
family, something which is wholeheartedly missing
i am missing the whole point of judaism
a generation passed down from person to person, blood type.
the skies are cloudy today, and it’s been raining ever since
i got here. my flight kept my mind at ease
as i was flying away from the pain only to end up
the pain is just as bad in my present as it is in the past
where i had to remain hidden, where i couldn’t speak,
where i couldn’t express, where i couldn’t dream,
where i couldn’t love, where my heart hurt the worst
because i was trapped by every single emotion
and i couldn’t escape, i couldn’t escape, towards freedom
until i finally did by writing out my plans.
by the grace of everything holy i only wish, one hug
and it’ll all go away. i wish she’d find me, but not this way.
i wish we could speak in our dreams
and through the time we’ve spent apart all of these years.
where is she? do i need to write her down?
is she truly here, within me, or in over in the next town?
do i rely on fate? on time? on giving in? throwing in the towel?
i want to express to G-d i really want her to see me,
but i just don’t know how… and, if so, will he allow
it to be the time? because i’m not the patient kind.