Journaling thoughts through the school of something plus poetry.

I have taken Shabbat for what it is this weekend..… I literally didn’t move from the bed or couch the last two days (well except run a few errands). I guess that’s what happens when you’re so mentally drained and don’t know which way to go…but now I have to shove everything that I put off into this upcoming week which will not be fun. I was supposed to go to one of the weekend Yom Tov morning services which I guess that means I absolutely have to do it next weekend. I reread my previous post: I seemed pretty fun that night. It was a good night. As far as my diet while no bread this week, I went and bought a lot of veggies and fruits (and yes, pickles, which is already almost gone…oops), so I am literally doing a diet this week from all things not that. I am taking my first Passover (food requirements) seriously. 

Since I did miss Yom Tov services, I am watching/listening to Central Synagogue’s services online right now as I’m working on this blog entry. I’ve missed watching them, I need to put them back into my weekly tradition of things I must do or I’ll go insane. I love them very much. I haven’t been able to find another synagogue to watch online that’s as amazing as them.

On a more serious level—besides playing by the rules of what foods we’re not supposed to eat for the next week—I have been thinking about what I wrote a couple of blog posts back about writing personal enslavement and writing it down so that I can work towards freeing myself. But I’ll tell you something, this is so weird, I felt a wave of freedom when I got home from our Seder. Is this how it’s supposed to feel? Is that what’s supposed to happen? It’s so strange, and I am new to all of this. 

While thinking about what I want… I’ve been thinking of Vegas again: city lights, the desert, mountain sunsets, there’s a serious growth of a Jewish community and several Kosher places. Maybe the tracks to the train? Maybe a bridge? Maybe the future? I feel like I’m having my 3rd midlife crisis. I had one at 27, 30, and now 32. Is this ever going to end? I want to change everything. I need to map out my Jewish Journey along side of what I want in my creative world and do as a job. Helping clean up after our Seder really made me think about how much I want to get into the food/catering/event business. Not sure where to start, but I need to start somewhere before I go absolutely (more) insane with what I’m doing currently. I love all things to do with events. There’s a satisfying part to setting events up and then tearing everything down, the prep and hard work that goes into it (shows). (For 6 years, I was always the set up / tear down team at school events. I completely forgot until this moment.) There are things I’m really good at, things I need to improve on, and things I have never done. I should put my focus on that list and go after my new dream…Working as a stage manager in the theatre, I have learned so much that helps with the real world. It’s amazing. I’ve been doing computer and admin work for 17 years, I feel like it’s time to move on to bigger and better things. I probably wouldn’t even be having these thoughts if it weren’t for my Jewish journey… CHEERS to that. 

On another note… as soon as I woke on Saturday, I watched the Rugrats Passover. I swear it is the best cartoon we’ll ever have on this planet. There’s so many lessons, it’s completely pure, and with it being the first cartoon to really introduce Judaism to the world, who wouldn’t think it’s the best? I will love it until I am no longer on this Earth, and when it’s time, it will be so embedded into my life that it’ll live within my soul wherever it’ll go. Oh and while we’re taking about TV, I finished My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend. I’ll talk about this again some other time, but wow, what an ending. This show is definitely very Jewish, and all kinds of life lesson-y sort of things that the world absolutely needs.

Random thing: I opened up my super sacred Jewish drawer nightstand to pull out a book that I wanted to read the Passover portion out of and came across a gem that I found at a yard sale. I was extremely drawn to it – an Egyptian clutch purse. It only has a very small opening almost like a larger wallet with browns and golds with images from Egypt and Pharaohs and such. I should’ve remembered to use that for the Passover service. There’s always next year. I have a Passover and Hanukkah bag now. What is it with me and themes?! 

An Ode to Yesterday 
2019 © Karen Maeby 

Part I. 

Easter bunnies and baskets, hiding plastic eggs 
with treats inside for the younger soul to find. 
Family time dedicated to decorate boiled eggs. 
with glitter and lots of color… 
only to be devoured moments later. 
An instant thought goes back to when Ralphie 
unwrapped a pink bunny suit at Christmas.  
I smile, but this was yesterday. 

Part II. 

I’m already beginning to feel like a minority, 
as I see Easter everything lined in the stores 
and absolutely nothing related to Passover. 
“Happy Easter” they say, 
and I nod saying, same to you, 
but it made me uncomfortable…. 
I wish everyone understood that not everyone 
celebrates the same thing as their neighbor. 

Part III. 

There’s a part of reverie in free: a bitterness and sweetness. 
A blank map can’t lead you to the treasure, 
you can’t find the treasure without a key. 
Is your destiny already written,  
or do you continue write it every single day? 
Like a stack of cards in the Casino: 
you play by fate, press your luck, and gamble on your journey, 
and win: it was written in the stars to be this lucky!

Part IV. 

Will I be completely free when I kiss the lips of she? 
We embrace in front of a sunset that pours out poetry, 
and we toast with wine glasses to the city lights,
and our lips—together—sing songs of honesty 
that rips the chains off, the ones that hid our identities for so long,
and we’re feeling free..free…free.. on this Passover. 
Free from our past, free from our now, and free to live our future. 
and our silhouettes become one in the name of Judaism. 

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