Shabbat Shalom: Passover Edition

Shabbat Shalom, my loves. It’s my really late weekly (thankgoodnessitsfridayorelseiwouldgoabsolutelyinsaneandlosemymind) ‘I love you, Friday’ post…which is even more meaningful today because I will be attending my first ever Passover Seder tonight at CBI.

First things first, though. Since Hanukkah, Purim… and somewhere in between those holidays for Shabbat, I have found there are (themed) songs for everything on iTunes. I have a playlist of a few songs going for Passover: Passover Song (Parody of Beatles of Hey Jude) by Judy Tellerman, Passover Songs (Mashup) by Elliot Dvorin & Key Tov Orchestra, When You Believe by Maccabeats, A Lion King Passover by Six13, Pesach Shop by Six13 (3 generations of songs get passed through this five min song, it’s the best on my playlist) and then Go Down Moses by The Pacific Pops Orchestra. I also need to watch the Rugrats episode one more time before Passover is over.

The more I read into Passover, the more I am beginning to think my crazy mixed up feelings of being enslaved are legit for this season and maybe there isn’t too much wrong with me after all (maybe that part is pushing it, but still)… could this be the explanation for why I have felt this crazy every single year for as long as I can remember? Because after April I feel a release of something or another and free and I go about my year perfectly fine until Sept/Oct. (I had always hungered for the new year to start in Sept/Oct…and I found the reason why….Rosh Hashanah…makes perfect sense to me to have the new year start then, and made me happy to realize what a coincidence.) Thankfully my younger self kept a lot of my online journal entries (and some poetry) from the last 20 years or so and I seemed to have the same feelings/moods/entrapment from March – April. I think that at this point, I should write a guide of some sorts telling people they should really look into Judaism if they constantly feel the way that I do at this time of the year, especially those who do not have a religion and have not recognized themselves as Jewish souls yet. It just helps to have some sort of explanation, even if it’s not certifiable.

I don’t know how I happened on it, but I found this amazing website aish.com–it offers many, many things Jewish and it is yet another marvelous place to visit on the webby. The question of the day on their site: From what enslavement do you want to break free this Passover?

Not feeling like I can be myself. My ‘bossiness / getting things done’ self has been lost and devoured by negative vibes and the sadness I have consumed within my heart/soul. Doing the same things every day, and not what I want or love. The wall that goes up when I’m hurt. Not feeling like I can reach out to someone that I love very, very much. Shutting off the world due to my imperfections. Writer’s block. Or better yet, thoughts pertaining to ‘am I even a good writer?’ and ‘should I continue writing?’ If not writing, what the hell am I supposed to do with my life? Then, it gets to be a zillion of questions that lead to Alice in Wonderland finding herself staring at a world upside down with funny people and the like. So yeah. Maybe this week I should privately write down my enslavement issues/feelings and see what solutions I can take charge of, and turn things back around for myself….personal freedom. Maybe that’s the answer, and the question is “Passover?”

Ever since I was a teen, I had always been about life lessons, and I love the fact that almost everything Judaism is life lesson-ish….because I realize and learn things even as I’m trying to write out some of these blog entries. Things make a little bit more sense than before….especially this Passover. In another thought, I can’t believe I still have May – Sept/Oct to really say it’s my “first” of the holidays as a semi-practicing-future-Jew. When we come around to Sukkot, I’ve celebrated almost everything for the first time… and I can’t wait to celebrate every year for the rest of my life… doing something different every year (hopefully, unless I just enjoy it so much to do it again and again). It’s exhilarating.

There’s a really good article on Jewish Journal that talks about personal freedom. It’s worth three reads, especially if you’re feeling somewhat like I am right now.

Apparently I missed out on backing an LGBTQ writer on his Haggadah posted on KickStarter a while back (it ended). I bet his booklet contains glitter. There was a mention of a disco ball. *_*

What it is with me and glitter???!!!

Anyway. There’s a lot of info in my email about Passover and comings/goings/etc of all the things and people I follow…but I haven’t read them. Yet.

Going back a couple of days…. we don’t have intro to Judaism class next week but the following week… guess what? It’s the last. The final class. Minus our review class whenever that’ll be, shortly after the last I guess. We will do a Shabbat dinner together and go to the Holocaust Museum. Then it’s….over. We still need to meet with our Rabbi over what’s next for us. What’s next for me? I just know that I want to go where a Jewish opportunity will be will fairly open to me. I’m not sure if there’s anything here. There was at one point, but… I don’t know. What’s next? In May I will be taking a Thursday class with TBE Rabbi, and doing various things with each of the synagogues after that. I’m not sure what’s next with my conversion, that’s something I have to find out. The future is unwritten, and I’m kind of embracing that right now….it allows me to be open. Wherever I end up, I will be embracing my future Jewish life so hard.

Anyway. Happy Passover. I will gather my thoughts throughout the next few days and have a couple more entries dedicated to Passover… hopefully. As far as am I feeling better since the last blog post? I don’t know. I’m just trying to get through Passover.

Next week (Friday) if it works out…I am stage managing my first movie shoot. I’m a little nervous, but ready to get back at it. Being boss and all.

Love Always,
Karen Maeby

PS: Even though I don’t believe in anything to do with Easter, there’s one thing I wish I could have: a hard boiled egg decked out with a rainbow of color and some glitter for an extra sparkle of happy….so I can peel the egg and eat it. That’s all I want.

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