I thought I would share a letter that I wrote to Anne Frank that is a part of the book “Dear Anne Frank” that I wrote/published a long time ago. (Don’t go looking for it, it needs to be updated before anyone buys it again.) I was living in NC at the time of writing said book and I was close enough to visit DC. I went to several places there including the Holocaust Museum, where I decided I would document my entire trip in a “Dear Anne Frank” letter style. Once I finished the “book” I hosted it on a website called Posterous, then once they concluded their online life, I published the book on Amazon.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Dear Anne Frank,
In the very last entry of yours, you had discussed being a “bundle of contradictions” and that you were split between two personalities. The one that everyone knows and the one that only you know.
Today? This week? Last week? Perhaps it’s been my entire life so far? I have been fighting the same battle within myself, on different circumstances, ways to explain it and how, when or if one or the other personality shows up. Or, if I really do have that problem. I am my own contradiction.
Just in the last month, I was thrown on the path of self discovery… a personal journey to figuring out who I am (in general). And, once again, I am living by the quote of Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken,” the lyrics of Frank Sinatra’s “My Way,” and LeAnn Womack’s “I Hope You Dance”. The words… the words of the poem and two songs, they keep me going; they give me the strength to make decisions and move forward.
You once said that paper is more patient than people. After having read your diary when I was younger, I lived by that quote for the longest time. I didn’t really write to anyone particular, except in middle school when I wrote to “Wolfie.” I tried it, but it was quite awkward for me to write to a girl, considering boys seemed to have the goods of being quiet when you told them something. And, even though it was just paper, I still felt the comfort of writing to a male much better off for me.
I continued writing in diaries from middle school up until 2006. I had actually found an online journal website where I wrote from 2001 to 2009. That’s when my writing on paper kind of seized down, until I needed to share deeper thoughts that I just couldn’t bring myself to writing online. The online journals gave me a chance to read and share my life with others and get feedback via notes. Last year, I decided it was time to pack it up at that website and I never went back. I casually document entries on a blog site, but that’s about it. I haven’t trusted paper in so long, other than notes for stories and poetry. I need to find that comfort on paper once again.
Like you, while growing up, I had a hard time finding a friend to confide in. If the truth may still be out there, I still have a hard time letting myself go in front of people and letting them see the “true” me because I’m afraid what people would think, say or just in general, do. Basically it’s just a trust issue.
Who can I trust with my inner most feelings? Most people just don’t get me, like you thought they didn’t get you. Sometimes, as like you did, I find myself viewing myself as two people, the more reserved in front of people up against who I really am. Plus, what would people do with that information? Blackmail? Gossip? Ditch me as a friend? Support me? It’s more than likely the first two and then I’d feel really betrayed and I don’t want to walk back into that trap again. I don’t need that going on. At all.
And so, as I conclude this diary entry I want to say that I have decided to write to you about my Washington, DC trip. I haven’t written much of anything, let alone a ‘real’ diary entry in so long. Granted this isn’t written on paper but it will now be forever documented. As a friend that shares parallel thoughts, welcome to me, which oddly seems to be you many years ago… enjoy.